We have had the privilege to meet Claire Wallis the driving force behind ChemoHero, with her permission we are sharing this her first ever blog, it is a true from the heart with a pinch of humour look at the truth behind life with Cancer.
Blog 1 done and ready to post and share when I am… please chances are Ive written this a week or two or three before posting so don’t be alarmed by what you read… my reason for waiting before posting any blog is so that I know I’m ok and you can read knowing If it’s any thing slightly more deep in emotion I’ve worked through it and come out the other side.
It also gives me a bit of personal space to be able to feel I can be honest as it’s been quite an emotional time for both Rob, Stanley and our close family and friends.
1 March 2018
As the weeks are now turning into a few months of processing my cancer is here to stay and I’m the best im going to be right now…I guess now is good time to attempt to take charge…
I’ve always hated the expression bucket list as I’m avoiding the whole kick the bucket process….however I’m wondering if by putting a Live IT list down in words it may actually help us as a family and friends group to start to live with this news that I’m not going to be here for as long as we had all hoped…
Medical discussions lead me to believe that I’ve hopefully got a few years, however they’ve also made me very aware there are no grey areas now with my cancer… it’s very much on my sternum and a little larger than first thought…. we are waiting for it to move on to its next place where they will go in aggressively with more chemotherapy as I only finished my last lot 2 years ago at the beginning of April… a treatment looking back knowing what we do now they probably would have held off… you see they can’t keep plying you with these drugs and some drugs are best used for certain areas and you kind of move up levels to put it simply….there has to come a point where they say actually this is now causing your body more stress then good and it’s time to stop…. this is called palliative treatment… they are pro longing life but attempting to weigh it up so you’ve good quality as well.
It’s very black and white for me now…. my 3 month scans will either show its spread or not…. how do you learn to live with this anxiety…
if it’s spread then life gets thrown into treatment until we can see signs it’s slowed..but what damage goes on in my body in that time is unpredictable…something many forget when you are having chemotherapy,
The major focus being on the cancer not the damage that the treatment is putting on your body to function as it get wiped out of good and bad cells.
So in hope to get my head on the living more I’m attempting to compile a list of things we hope to achieve and do….. I’ve never been one to really splash out on lavish holidays or things…. I’m such a Devon girl…. even since school I remember friends desperate to get away from North Devon ( may I add now they are all desperate to get here back by the sea!!)
I’m incredibly family orientated….to the point I keep my close circle small in a time of crisis….we close in.
So on getting news that it’s probably going to be cancer that takes me from this world….unless the famous bus knocks me down first ( not the stanley Walter ChemoHero bus tho!!).
I feel I should have the most amazing list of things I want to achieve and do…however all that’s happened is it’s made me want to stay nearer my family and friends.
On talking to my hospice nurse I felt a bit of saddo listening to myself talk about some of the things I want….
1: I want to live!!!
What else can possibly top this….. how can I possibly add any more….
The response was that I’m hunting for someone to answer this wish with an answer that I’m sadly not going to get now….have fought the disease twice under the curable bracket it’s been explained to me that it’s probably making it harder to except the non curable diagnosis now.
2: See Stanley grow up!
The feelings make me feel dizzy…I thought I was going to pass out in my living room voicing this one…I’m not going to see Stanley grow up to be a young man, meet his future children, know what job or career path he’s going to take…know him.
3…Grow old with Rob… you enter a marriage with the vows till death do us part… did we know deep down at the time as we refused this vow and said to promise to love each other till the end… words from the film ps I love you!!
Because nobody REALLY knows when the end is do they do it could be forever!.
Trying to get my head around that I’m not going to be with rob for longer than I’ve been with him…..the idea I hope he meets somebody so lovely to care for him and Stanley and know I’m no fret but will forever be with them and wishing them nothing but fun love and happiness…. yet it breaks my heart.
4…Not being there for my brother as he sees my parents age, one relief…. I won’t have to sort my dads garage out!!!
I feel lucky to be able to have seen him grow as a baby into the young man he is and know he’s succeeding in all his does….but there’s still so much I want to see him achieve.
5… Leaving my mum and Dad behind…. big lump in throat typing this one..can add no more to this just yet.
So these are the mega 5 feelings right now… (5 is my lucky number!) ones I can’t change and only hope I can keep going for as long as I can.
So the Live it list I can have some control over….
Lay a road in the early hours of the morning that’s driven over by 100s of people a day!
Ride a white stallion into the sunset.
Work at a hair salon one morning brushing the hair on the floor in 1 swift move and make cups of tea for people.
Take Stanley to Butlins, Legoland, Disneyland Paris and somewhere for some sunshine as he wants to drink a fizzy drink in a swimming pool….yes it appears he’s my strange ways!!
Go to centre parcs with all my family.
Watch John Williams orchestra play star wars music with Rob…watch his child like face watching it.
Take Stanley to watch Lion King in London and watch him watching it!!
Go away for a spa weekend with rob and actually be able to afford the spa treatments rather than just the use of the swimming pool and free sauna!!
Have a pottery day with my family.
Stay in a holiday cottage and cook a good home cooked meal and drink prossecco with my nearest and dearest for a weekend.
Sort my Garden out with a back boarder, decking area with table and chairs that look out on to the field , some veg trugs, to watch things grow. Lights in the trees and lots of pretty things.
Go to Italy and sit on one of those boat thingys that they row you along on….Gondola.
Cook sausages down on instow beach one sunny evening….. yes Westaways!!!! 56 for £10 from the Devon county show!!
Take a picnic basket, French stick, cheeses and a bottle of wine down to fremington quay and also again at landache bridge and watch the sunset.
Plan my funeral down to the last minute so I know what’s going to happen and that it’s all sorted just how I wish it to be.
Sort what’s going to happen to me after my funeral , I know a hard one….maybe something I’ll blog another day. Once done it can be put a side and I won’t need to think about it again.
So as you can see… I’m a pretty simple person….I want nothing that whisks me away for a second from my little family or friends…. all I want is to be surrounded by them.
It feels scary when you feel apart from needing to sleep a lot and getting tired very quickly that Your able to function so well and yet all it takes is 1 scan to say things have changed and suddenly your ability to do things can change as well as your time scales in life…